notforgotten


The night before i leave again for Singapore
October 6, 2008, 12:05 pm
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For the past seven days of my short stay here in the Philippines, it is just until last night that i was able to really “command” my mind to relax.  of course, there are a lot of things going through my mind right now. i have been thinking all along if i will stay here in the philippines or work and do my ministry in singapore. that is basically where my problem lies right now. i love the philppines and my heart is still here, but if i would look at my family, my mind tells me to go back in singapore and just sign the damn contract. i will not be staying in singapore because of this special person, i will be staying because that is where God wanted me to be as of the moment which is to finish what i started in the church.

as of now, i feel like signing the contract once i go back to singapore, but if i do that i know that i will not have peace in what i am planning to do. so, i have to trust God regarding my future.

the path that i have chosen is hard and complicated. aside from that, many people sees the path that i have taken as rubbish, suited for lazy people, and for those who are basically out of their mind. i have chosen this path and i have accepted the fact that i will be ridiculed, rejected and despised. my own dad despised me because of this call, my mom discouraged me even though she has been a Christian for so long, my sister envies me because of the opportunities that i get, and my brother for a number of years lived under my shadows of which i never intended to be.

if my family is like that, so how can i expect other people to just accept this call that i have taken? but there is this person who looked beyond my outside appearance and my bank account. we just clicked, not forcing things, not even manipulating things which i did before. we are exactly the opposite. our relationship is a classic example of a relational paradox.

i just have to trust God, as the Lord has been telling me to be still before Him… to just trust Him regarding this person that i cherish…. when reality bites, this relationship is way too complicated. but there are things that can go beyond impossibilities and that is where my faith in God and His promises takes me.

i have seen Him move in so many mighty ways that i could not possibly just recount. still,….. sometimes i have a hard time trusting Him. my faith has been shaken many times and this shaking process is the same thing that made my faith stronger and deeper in Him.

to trust God is to completely surrender everything that denies Him COMPLETE LORDSHIP of my life.

All that i am, all that i have

i lay them down before You, oh Lord

All my regrets, all my acclaims

the joy and the pain

I’m making them Yours


Lord, I offer my life to You

Everything, I’ve been through

Use it for Your glory

Lord, i offer my days to You

Lifting my praise to You

As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord i offer You, my life.

Things in the past, things yet unseen

Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

All of my hopes, all of my plans

My heart and my hands are lifted to You

I will be still, Lord. For You know what is best. Amen!


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Back Home!
September 30, 2008, 12:27 pm
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Just arrived this morning from Singapore. Before the flight, i went in for a dinner with a special friend. we talked about a lot of things, our future, what we would do, our fears and reservations. my friend enjoyed pissing me off. even though she was full and i was the one who was just eating at that time.  i find it amazing that this friend of mine has tons of energy in pissing me off. haha! Crazy! haha!

I had a great time last night seeing the GEL Leaders and my Filipino friends. During the second round of late dinner, this friend was knocking very hard on my knees just to see me become irritated. haha!

but since i am a not double standard, my maturity is again displayed by acting calmly. haha!

then, the plane landed and we landed at the new terminal which is very very unorganized. the immigration was quite messed up. we were queing for more than an hour when normally the line to the immigration would just take about 10-15 minutes.

but again, nothing beats the joy of seeing my family and just being with them. i am overjoyed that we were able to pray again as a family. the past 3 years has been very hard for us but that season has ended and a new season is coming where everything that was stolen by the enemy and was lost will be returned a hundredfold.  the Lord is good and faithful. that’s all that my blog can say, as my eyes are running with some tears as i find it very hard to put into words my thanksgiving for my God who has been patient, gracious and faithful to me and my family.

i broke out the news to them an hour after arriving home. they were both happy and surprised. haha! as they all know that i’m very vocal with my desire to only have a partner of my same nationality. haha. but, God works mysteriously. haha! Again, His ways are better than ours!

later, my sister teased me. she was asking me if this special someone is blind. because she find it hard to believe that something special has formed between me and this friend. haha!

Anyway, i’m enjoying every minute that I am home right now. I’ve got the chance to play with my beloved dog, Bibi! haha!

Forever, God is faithful

Forever, God is strong

Forever, God is with us

Forever!

Hey, Female Chauvinist Cow! i miss you already!

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Full of stories!
September 19, 2008, 10:51 am
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Yesterday, i went to tampines mall and bought 2 new books that i was desperately wishing to buy, the books are by John Eldredge and Phillip Yancey. John Eldredge’s books compiled in one volume are Waking the Dead and Alive, while Yancey’s book is Where is God When it Hurts? I could endure several days of having only 1 or 2 meals just to buy or read a book that I really really like.

I went to church and was a little bit pissed off because no one came and they just informed me very very late. But again, God is good. Thank God for a friend who cheered me up, you know who you are.

Two nights ago, I was asked by my roommate the son of a pastor that I’m living with that he’s having bad dreams and surely enough I saw these “things” lurking behind him. Then, the 2 counseling sessions began and I was really, really tired. But again, God is good. For those who doesn’t know, you might find this freaky, I have the gift of discernment that allows me through the power of the Holy Spirit to “see beyond what is normally seen”. It means, my eyes are open to the spiritual world. It’s not a third eye thing. It’s a gift that I asked from the Lord that had helped me a lot in ministering to different people and places already. It allows me to sometimes see a person’s past, hidden sins and his/her struggles and discern the current spiritual level of a person.

After the counseling session, my roommate slept at the living room. But the weird thing is that her aunt woke up at 4am in the morning and never saw him sleeping at the living room. Weird isn’t it? But my roommate was sleeping in the living room all through out the night. I woke up at around that time also and sensed something evil in the house confirming about that incident. Later, the Lord revealed to me that the house is under demonic oppression due to the horror movies and other items that were hidden in the living room.

So yesterday, upon my arrival they asked me to burn those items.  Initially, we burned one item. Before burning one item, of course I prayed and started to burn the item. I used two old newspapers. I put the first newspaper on the tin drum that is used for burning leaves. Then, i l tore page by page the other newspaper and lighted one page at a time. By the time, i was about to burn the 4th page, the fire began to increase in size as if kerosene was put inside the container. It went like that close to a minute i guess and then, it died down. After seeing the fire died down, I saw the first newspaper that i placed inside the container was just beginning to burn which was supposed to have burned already. I commonly see these things when I had deliverance sessions or bondage breaker sessions in the Philppines. Then, we proceeded to burn the other items and the same thing happened, we were burning cd’s and a clothe that has some demonic markings on it.

After the burning all those things, the atmosphere in the home changed drastically and later that night the nightmares ceased and everyone was able to sleep peacefuly.

Then, I called Sophia because she was asking for help in her sermon craft. Then, i got the chance to talk to Kenny, my evil twin! haha! Then, I called her around 12 in the midnight and i enjoyed the conversation. Then, i woke up around 4am and was repeatedly waking up with my friend in mind. Then, i began to pray for her.

This day, was tiring! My boss was late for 30 mins in opening the office.  I was standing outside the office with my student.  So, i extended the my lesson for 15mins more so that as a compensation for the 30minutes that she waited. After finishing the lesson, i proceeded to jurong .west for a guitar class to primary students, and after that I went home to rest.

It just dawned on me that my short return to the Philippines is nearing, making me excited and eagerly anticipating the catching up with my family, IMPACT, and my church family at Lighthouse. I’m looking forward to have dinner prepared by my Mother and to be with my Dad also.

Ok, it’s time to finish Charissa’s line up for Sunday.

Thank you Lord!

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First Time!
September 17, 2008, 3:52 am
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So, this is my first entry on my blog here in wordpress, after I was manipulated by walkergal to write here. haha!

All of us had our “first times”, first ride on the bus, first toys, first crush, first boyfriend/girlfriend, and a lot of couple of things. We usually face our first times with joy, excitement, fear, anixiety or a mixture of all this, and this makes our first times memorable. But there are first times in our lives that are usually met with shame, disappointment, rejection or frustration. I know that everyone will agree with me on this matter.

In my life’s journey, as I reach my 25th year of existence in this planet somewhere this month of september, or better yet as i face quarter life crisis, I am again reminded of the things that I’ve done in the past, what I’m doing with my present, what would i be and will be doing in the future.

As i see it now and is yet to see more, echoing Apostle Paul’s statement in 1Corinthians 13 “that he now sees clearly”, all of those first time no matter how good or how bitter it was, contirbuted to what I am right now. Amy Carmichael said, “nothing can ever hurt us unless we allow it to”. To put it more simply, our reactions can either make or burn us. Our emotions are under the control of our will.

What was meant to be a curse can be truly in fact be a blessing! As i look back at my painful experiences, I now see those experiences as the wellspring from which God moves. Why? So that I can daily experience His grace, humbly and proudly admit that without Him, I am just a pile of crap.

With these in mind, let us be encouraged to take risks and step out of our comfort zones. To dare, to be different, to move in counterflow to what the world think is normal. This is what the world needs, men and women who have come alive. And only men and women who came alive can only make a difference.

Good day!

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singapore- a year in review
August 3, 2009, 1:52 am
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i came here in singapore last year july. and it is just now that i’ve taken the chance to celebrate my first anniversary through my writing. i’ve learned a lot of things here in singapore. i think anybody would learn a lot if one is outside his comfort zones and obeying with faith what you were tasked to do.

again, i would describe my stay here as a “roller coaster ride of faith” because first, i had my ups and downs and secondly, you never know what is coming next. the longer that i stay here the more that i realize that i know very little about singapore. but i get to know God better.

i really miss home. my family, friends and mentors are there. how, i would love to just fly back every week  just to be with my family and friends on weekends. sigh….

nothing beats my own country. as they say it, there is no place like home. but, i’ve come to accept the fact that home is where God wants me to be.  then, i must call singapore my home.

even though, sometimes i can connect to the same wavelength with the people here, i must admit that i’m still different and my needs are different too.

my stay in my current church has been pleasant. although, i can say that it is very tiring because i work from mondays to saturdays and on sunday i have to wake up so early to be at church to do ministry. my sunday afternoons are not spent on resting. aiyo. yeah, it is really tiring. i still press on because the Lord told me to “dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness (psalm 37:5) even though my entire being is shouting to go back home but i have to stay. that is the reason why that even though i would long to attend a filipino church here in singapore i would choose to be committed to my current church.

from july to december last year, i’ve spent my energies in helping out in the worship and youth ministry and i thank God that my labor has not been in vain. i’ve spent countless nights in prayer, hours in teaching and some other things which God only knows, just to help out and be a blessing in the best that i can be. i exist to serve God not the opinions of men.

it was quite sad to celebrate christmas away from home last december. it was one of the saddest moments in my life because for us filipinos, christmas is the equivalent of cny to the chinese. at that time, i badly miss my family so much.

during the cny, i’ve learned a lot just by observing and tagging along with shiyi. i’ve come to appreciate more the chinese culture and shiyi’s family. nothing beats the free flowing food! haha!

from january to june, i was so busy with my work that really sucks. my workplace really sucks that no locals can last for more than 3 months. there is this time that someone just quit during the first day of work. haha. but, i have no choice but to stay in this company so that i can fulfill God’s commandment to me to “dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness” and serve in my church.

my saturday evenings if i’m needed in church is spent on riding on a cab and dozing off trying to get all the rest that i can get, from novena or orchard so that i could just make it on time for the worship practice. even though it is painful to my pocket, my ministry should be given a much higher commitment than my work because i serve God not men. it means i must not be late and must come on time.  i pray that the worship team members would take their ministry more seriously. to put God first. because there is more to life than just earning money, friends and studies.  i remember in the philippines when i do arrangement for bands, people pay me and for church ministries people appreciate what i do. here it is different.. and for that i would say no comment…. haha! handling the worship ministry is one the most toughest jobs that it eats my energy and time. no one sees the preparation involved behind the “spotlight”. you have to constantly balance the technical and spiritual part of the ministry.

i’ve managed to survive for one year in a place where I’ve basically have to fend everything for myself. with work stress and a lot of other things i can say that i’m alive and well it is because of the grace of God.

i’ve come to appreciate more of His goodness in my life that despite of all the things facing me of which i sometimes find it hard to share to shiyi, church mates and to the pastors of my church, i can say that it is well with my soul and that His mercies are new every morning.

obedience is really painful. and i’m learning that nit and grits of it. obedience is not about how much you do well in life but it is about fulfilling with a loving attitude of what you were asked to do by God.

to sum up everything- it is all about obeying God despite of the hassles that is facing you.

God bless!!

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Letting it all out….
April 2, 2009, 2:29 am
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I consider my five days of medical leave as a blessing. Even though, i really want to go to work but I have to heed the doctor’s advice which is to rest for 5 days. Today is the last day of my medical leave. I was able to really relax, sleep, read, play computer games via the net, watch movies and some household chores. It is really a blessing to finally relax after 4 months of working from Mondays to Saturdays. I enjoy teaching but I cannot bear it with just only 1 day of rest. Actually, my Sunday is not really an off day for me for the past 3 months because I have to stay in church.

So, i took the time to just rest, and do some reflections. I thank God for the messages that I received from walkergal regarding our relationship, it is a reminder for us to really fix our eyes on God and not just on each other. So, this is a fresh start for us.

Recently, I just had an interview and that was my 2nd round of interview from that institution. The interview, I think went well, although there are some questions that I was not able to answer clearly because I was under medication that day. I’m praying that I would be called for the final interview, be  hired and agree to my proposed salary of which I am asking.

I  know that my God is with me. I have plans and most of the time I get frustrated that it would take some time for me to achieve those plans.  Specially now, that I’m just new here in Singapore and I’m like basically starting from scratch. Faith without action is dead, so what I will do is put God first and work hard on my career.

Just to let an air out, after thinking and keeping these thoughts inside of me, I’ve been on a “faith roller coaster ride” for quite a time already. It is tough. Very tough… To be out of your comfort zones, away from your family, working your ass off, a partner with a unique career and everything.  I thank God that even though I feel like giving up most of the time, His grace has been there upholding me. Sometimes, I would vent out my frustrations on Him yet I know that I must quietly trust Him. With all these things that is happening, I am able to get to know and appreciate Him more each day. My life is not something that I’m proud of, it leaves me amazed that a God of perfect love would be mindful to a trash like me.

Also, I would like to thank Him for 4 things:

First, our business back home is picking up again. We have customers coming in more often, so it means more work and income not only for us but for our employees who depend on us for their living.

Second, my dad is able to sell his old car on a much higher price from what he bought it 3 years ago. Then, we are able to purchase a second hand, slightly used Honda Civic which is still in a  very good condition. I am amazed that even though economy is bad and businesses of the same nature as ours have closed in our location, we are still standing and earning money by God’s grace and we are able to buy a car.

Third, yesterday, we were able to buy a new laptop. Me and my brother had a good conversation yesterday, both of us are reminiscing the times during last year when we came here last July trying to find a job for my brother, we were scrimping every cent that we can. Sleeping very late at night, so that we will wake up at around 12pm to cook a very heavy lunch and sleep at around 3pm to have our very late dinner. We eat only twice a day so as to save money. I have to work part-time so that I can provide for our daily needs. I remember the days, when we have to really make most of our busted laptop so that my brother can search the net for work. Specially, the times where I would repeatedly ask God whenever I go to a computer shop that He bless us a brand new laptop. Thank God that He honored our hard work. He is faithful. Compared to the days that my brother would not allow me to buy him a new sets of underwear because of the fact that we have to save money.

Fourth,  our debts will finally be cleared by June. God is so good and faithful. I am out of words to type and say because of His great love. God, I stand in awe of You!!!

With all the things that are facing me, my prayer is that I will be able to respond to whatever what God wants me to learn. I pray that I would be able to fix my eyes on Him alone, not on any man, my abilities or rather to the circumstances facing me.

Jeremiah 29:11

I love you Lord. Help me to become like You. To know You in Your death and resurrection is my cry. To behold the fullness of Your glory, my desire. To touch Your face, be my obsession. To feel and know Your mind, be my goal, and to have the same heart beat as Yours….

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Let’s Talk About Wilderness Experience
February 5, 2009, 8:14 am
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Again, it’s been a long time since I’ve written something here in my blog. The past 3 months has been busy and hard. Adjusting to a multi-cultural nation, work related stress, ministry and basically being out of your comfort zones for too long. That’s what I’ve been facing externally.

So, if you ask me what is happening internally? I could say that it is much more difficult than what I’ve been facing externally. To minister without your mentors and teammates for a long time is really challenging. You have dreams that you want to achieve, a family to think of back in my country and a lot of things.

To be the only Filipino in a local Singaporean church is hard specially when you carry a lot of responsibilities. To become a vessel of encouragement, change, and a lot of things is tough when your mentors are far from you.

When you are faced with stress and living in a very fast paced nation, you will find it very hard to be still before God. How can you be still when everyone around you is rushing and is driven by “kiasuism” (just search wikipedia about it)?

Then, you suddenly feel that you are lost, groping for light and thirsty for direction. When you don’t understand what you are going through, everything seems to go downhill and  all that you have is a vision or a word that God has given you and that word or vision is far-fetched from what you are going through.

Welcome to the Wilderness…

You are not alone. A lot of people faces it without understanding much about it or the least being aware of it.
As I searched my Bible, the wilderness is not a process that we have to go through because God has left us, forsaken us, or judged us because of sin or whatsoever. It is a PROCESS OF PREPARATION.
Moses, Joseph, Jesus and great men in the Bible faced this.

Wilderness is tough!!

When the Lord is letting you go through this wilderness experience and it is far getting much longer than what you are expecting, what are you going to do? Are you going to embrace and go through it or reject this experience and be bitter towards what is happening to you?

To be honest, I would ask God why I am going through this and God would just say that I need to undergo this wilderness process, anything than that God is silent. And that is really tough.
I’ve been to several wilderness experience in my life, but so far the one that I’m going through right now is the toughest. I feel as if I’m alone and left all by myself just like the previous wilderness that I’ve been.

In all of these, there were several verses that sustained me Jeremiah 29:13 and Philippians 3:10 . To search God with all of your heart is a tiring and wrenching task, because the Lord demands total surrender of the heart. To know Him in His death and resurrection is more than just a statement that was written by the Apostle Paul, it is a decision of when you sincerely make it a prayer and that is when you realize that the Christian life is to share in the sufferings of Jesus Christ and to be like Him. To take hold of Him, to pursue Him- laying down everything just to touch and see His face.

I find hope and strength in the knowledge that God is with me going right through this wilderness just as He is with the Israelites. Although I cannot “feel” Him, I know that my God is more than just a feeling but a reality that permeates me and transcend all understanding.

My prayer is that may His grace sustain me and you and for us to cherish this wilderness experience and learn from it, as I know that God is preparing me and you that is far greater than what we can think of.

Remember, before every blessing there is a battle and after every battle there is a blessing.

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Talking about what had happened and will happen today!
September 18, 2008, 3:55 am
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Today, I’m on fast and just basically enjoying my time here at home. Thank God that He has given some confirmations regarding on what I am praying for, but the nature of the confirmation I cannot divulge. I was a little bit tired last night. I had a private drum lesson in woodlands yesterday afternoon. After that, i went to church to give free music lessons for drums and keyboards and helped Charissa with her line-up for this coming Sunday.  I was able to hit 3 birds in one stone yesterday. Then, when I came in last night, I had 2 consecutive counseling sessions. It was really tiring, but the joy of the Lord is my strength.

So, I need help in managing this blog! could someone help me please? I’m a perfect idiot in running this blog which i find to be quite complicated. haha!

Then, I’ll leave this afternoon to go to tampines to buy some books that I really wanted and to share for the youth service next Saturday. Then, I’ll go to church for bass guitar lessons for Matthew, Joses and Elder Eric.

Then, that’ll be my day for today!

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